Tom likes to have company all the time. Girls, boys, gays, straights, old people, kids, loud, quiet, he doesn’t much care, so long as there are people around. When he’s on his own, he’s a graphic designer. Rather brilliant if you ask me, but I don’t know what it takes to be any sort of designer, so I wouldn’t know. But whenever I’m with Tom, he makes me feel so confident, like a prize that’s worth having, a prize that you want for yourself, not for gloating purposes. Maybe that’s just because he’s always hanging out with people, so the simple fact that he texts me to hang out is pretty fenominal in my book. I’m flattered, and I can’t help but to seize the chance every time it’s offered to me, and I’ve taken to inviting him to anything I put together too. Sometimes I put things together just for him.
Because he’s the one that gave me Lily.
Lily really is his creation. He always plays with me, little games of the minds or tickle fights, not giving me the chance to be quiet. He’s too spontaneous, and my thoughts are usually left reeling while my heart takes the lead, all too willing to affectionately mess with him in return. That’s when I discovered Lily, and ironically I feel more “lily pure” with out her than I do with her. Lily doesn’t care what others think of her, her language, her composure, or her tenancies. I’m almost surprised that no one thinks I’m lesbian or anything. But she keeps life interesting, and honestly, she’s probably the reason I have more than two friends. I lost most every one when I graduated high school, and since then most of them have just been drifting away. I don’t blame them either. I’m pretty boring most of the time. Lily’s the one that has introduced me to Rob, Macy, Brendan, Shay and Sam. There’s others that I’ve been getting to know, but those are the ones I’ve been talking to the most. They’re great, brilliant people that I would have never had the courage to talk to.
So here I am, living a world that is by degrees becoming everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Making friends, becoming well known, getting paid at a job I don’t mind, learning all sorts of stuff at the full fledged university, and I’m not some shy dweeb all the time. It’s a beautiful experiance.
But I’m loosing Amy, I’m loosing me, and it scares me. I’m a respectable girl, I don’t have problems with boys or with the law or with money or with my parents, or anything else at all. Lily isn’t that girl. She’s a rebellious young woman that does what she wants, and worries about the consequences later. It makes me nervous, especially when she’s a part of me. I’m afraid to look at my heart because of her. I’m afraid to love because of her. I don’t know what might happen.
I said that Tom created Lily. That’s not strictly true. Tom showed me Lily, and in a way trained me to let Lily out and not smother her. Lily is something I created without even realizing she was there inside me all this time. I don’t know how to get rid of her, or if I even want to get rid of her, or what I would do if I lost her. I hate her for making me afraid of everything in my life, especially the thought of having to face it on my own.
